I feel how close you are/I could see you miles away
Aug. 17th, 2025 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hafniaI spent a good chunk of today (about three hours) stuck in traffic on I-5/I-205, with a migraine, so I could pick up someone from the airport.
This isn't like, oh, woe is me, it's more like — oh, this is how we love people.
(Yeah, it would have been possible to shuttle them down here, but it didn't feel very kind to go, "and now that you have made it to PDX, please catch a shuttle in a weird, unmarked location and I'll catch up with you at some point", not when the point of being out here is at least partially to maximize the time spent together.)
(I should also note that I'm fine, now — it was Bad but not so bad that I couldn't function; once I picked them up, that in and of itself was enough of a distraction that I was like "oh yes good I can Keep Going", and eventually it did mostly fade. Ish. It's trying to make a resurgence now, but I am also about to go to bed, so.)
I find myself thinking about loving people a lot lately. How do you show people you love them, do they know that you love them, &etc. Sometimes it's the big things — huge declarations and whatnot — and sometimes it's just...I saw that coffee yogurt you like was on sale at the fancy grocer, so I picked it up for you, or I saw this thing and I knew I had to show you, or I'll let you touch me when I don't let most people do that.
My parents didn't model unconditional love. I don't think they modeled love at all, really. I grew up in a household where we didn't touch each other, where there was this elaborate imaginary point system where you scored points by putting down your opponent — jokes, mostly, that made the other person look bad while you looked clever.
I wonder sometimes how I made it out of that without internalizing those lessons — that it was less important to be kind than to be clever; that showing any kind of vulnerability was weakness and would be used against you; that telling someone you loved them was gauche and the worst kind of vulnerability.
I know that the household I grew up in was dysfunctional. "Was" as though it's not still dysfunctional, somehow.
I just.
I don't think teenage rebellion is supposed to look like radical acceptance and kindness.
Is this why I don't feel like an adult very often? I've hit almost all the adult milestones: graduated (from a PhD program, even), have a house, am happily married, figured out the big identity pieces, mostly...
...but I guess I never did grow out of that teenage rebellion phase.
Mm.
I owe a debt of gratitude, I think, to everyone who has ever loved me and loved me well. A thank you for showing me what love is supposed to look like. It's not something I can repay, but how can I? The answer is "love them back", and I do, and I show them in the ways they want to be shown.
This isn't like, oh, woe is me, it's more like — oh, this is how we love people.
(Yeah, it would have been possible to shuttle them down here, but it didn't feel very kind to go, "and now that you have made it to PDX, please catch a shuttle in a weird, unmarked location and I'll catch up with you at some point", not when the point of being out here is at least partially to maximize the time spent together.)
(I should also note that I'm fine, now — it was Bad but not so bad that I couldn't function; once I picked them up, that in and of itself was enough of a distraction that I was like "oh yes good I can Keep Going", and eventually it did mostly fade. Ish. It's trying to make a resurgence now, but I am also about to go to bed, so.)
I find myself thinking about loving people a lot lately. How do you show people you love them, do they know that you love them, &etc. Sometimes it's the big things — huge declarations and whatnot — and sometimes it's just...I saw that coffee yogurt you like was on sale at the fancy grocer, so I picked it up for you, or I saw this thing and I knew I had to show you, or I'll let you touch me when I don't let most people do that.
My parents didn't model unconditional love. I don't think they modeled love at all, really. I grew up in a household where we didn't touch each other, where there was this elaborate imaginary point system where you scored points by putting down your opponent — jokes, mostly, that made the other person look bad while you looked clever.
I wonder sometimes how I made it out of that without internalizing those lessons — that it was less important to be kind than to be clever; that showing any kind of vulnerability was weakness and would be used against you; that telling someone you loved them was gauche and the worst kind of vulnerability.
I know that the household I grew up in was dysfunctional. "Was" as though it's not still dysfunctional, somehow.
I just.
I don't think teenage rebellion is supposed to look like radical acceptance and kindness.
Is this why I don't feel like an adult very often? I've hit almost all the adult milestones: graduated (from a PhD program, even), have a house, am happily married, figured out the big identity pieces, mostly...
...but I guess I never did grow out of that teenage rebellion phase.
Mm.
I owe a debt of gratitude, I think, to everyone who has ever loved me and loved me well. A thank you for showing me what love is supposed to look like. It's not something I can repay, but how can I? The answer is "love them back", and I do, and I show them in the ways they want to be shown.
A Wild and Ruined Song by Ashley Shuttleworth
Aug. 17th, 2025 05:41 pmprofiterole_readsA Wild and Ruined Song by Ashley Shuttleworth was amazing! It's the fourth and final book of the Hollow Star Saga, a modern story mixing fae courts and Greek mythology.
This was a splendid finale from start to end, tying up many plotlines from the previous novels and making all the protagonists shine at one point or another.
There's a new non-binary main character, major f/f and double m/m, with one of the m/m pairings being ace4aro.
This was a splendid finale from start to end, tying up many plotlines from the previous novels and making all the protagonists shine at one point or another.
There's a new non-binary main character, major f/f and double m/m, with one of the m/m pairings being ace4aro.
The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter
Aug. 17th, 2025 04:43 pmhaebinThis one is a smaller chapter. I apologize for that but the heat in this week took its toll on me. I still hope you'll enjoy this chapter.
Thank you so much for reading.
♥
( The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter )
Thank you so much for reading.
♥
( The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter )Friday five
Aug. 15th, 2025 05:26 pmglacier_kitty5. Name five favorite movies: LOTR: Return of the King, Cutthroat Island, Twister, 1917, Interstellar
4. Name four areas of interest you became interested in after you were done with your formal education: Glaciers, polar exploration, four-poster beds, curtains
3. Name three things you would change about this world: I'd give a message to everyone: the secret to looking young is enjoying things, no matter how little they are. Being a adult doesn't mean you just get boring and are just "meh" about things you like. People think I'm still in my 20s! Doesn't matter if I've lived in Alaska for 17 years, I'll ALWAYS get excited about seeing moose, flying over glaciers, etc. The world might be a bit more cheerful if there was more enjoyment. Second, there'd be more resources and help for mentally ill people. They don't deserve to live outside on the corner of a building! They need true help rather than just going to jail (I've seen many police bodycam videos where that has happened, so sad!). Third, get rid of Orange Guy and the awful yellow curtains haha
2. Name two of your favorite childhood toys: Barbies and a scooter
1. Name one person you could be handcuffed to for a full day: No thanks, that sounds awful D:
Yesterday at work someone came in and handed me a huge wad of cash and said "this is $2,000, to help since you lost some of your funding." I was completely shocked! I told her how grateful I was and how amazing that act was! How cool! Later Bill got a $5 donation and I was like "aw, that's not fair!" haha. Amanda also told us today she's resigning in a couple weeks. She works part-time at a radio station and they offered her a full-time position with healthcare and stuff. Aww man, she was just settling in! That is fair but I'll have to get used to a new person yet again..sigh. I hope she'll enjoy her new job though! Hopefully it won't take as long to hire someone else this time though
Curti might have some Maine Coon in him, but he is definitely a Siberian..they're active and playful, love being up high and are good at jumping, play games like fetch (I played fetch with him last night! So cool lol), they get the zoomies first thing in the morning and again at bedtime (YES haha), are very smart, etc. Other Siberians I saw pics how had the same interesting mouth shape. They actually grow slowly and reach maturity at about 5 years old, reaching 15-25 pounds! Curti's already pretty big, he might be hard to pick up if he gets to be 20 pounds! I wonder if his meow will change over time too..
( aug 13-15 )
4. Name four areas of interest you became interested in after you were done with your formal education: Glaciers, polar exploration, four-poster beds, curtains
3. Name three things you would change about this world: I'd give a message to everyone: the secret to looking young is enjoying things, no matter how little they are. Being a adult doesn't mean you just get boring and are just "meh" about things you like. People think I'm still in my 20s! Doesn't matter if I've lived in Alaska for 17 years, I'll ALWAYS get excited about seeing moose, flying over glaciers, etc. The world might be a bit more cheerful if there was more enjoyment. Second, there'd be more resources and help for mentally ill people. They don't deserve to live outside on the corner of a building! They need true help rather than just going to jail (I've seen many police bodycam videos where that has happened, so sad!). Third, get rid of Orange Guy and the awful yellow curtains haha
2. Name two of your favorite childhood toys: Barbies and a scooter
1. Name one person you could be handcuffed to for a full day: No thanks, that sounds awful D:
Yesterday at work someone came in and handed me a huge wad of cash and said "this is $2,000, to help since you lost some of your funding." I was completely shocked! I told her how grateful I was and how amazing that act was! How cool! Later Bill got a $5 donation and I was like "aw, that's not fair!" haha. Amanda also told us today she's resigning in a couple weeks. She works part-time at a radio station and they offered her a full-time position with healthcare and stuff. Aww man, she was just settling in! That is fair but I'll have to get used to a new person yet again..sigh. I hope she'll enjoy her new job though! Hopefully it won't take as long to hire someone else this time though
Curti might have some Maine Coon in him, but he is definitely a Siberian..they're active and playful, love being up high and are good at jumping, play games like fetch (I played fetch with him last night! So cool lol), they get the zoomies first thing in the morning and again at bedtime (YES haha), are very smart, etc. Other Siberians I saw pics how had the same interesting mouth shape. They actually grow slowly and reach maturity at about 5 years old, reaching 15-25 pounds! Curti's already pretty big, he might be hard to pick up if he gets to be 20 pounds! I wonder if his meow will change over time too..
( aug 13-15 )
Ridiculously Cute Kitty
Aug. 12th, 2025 05:12 pmglacier_kittyAnd here's yet another "Curti is ridiculously cute" picture
His face after I said "Curti!" Awwww! He has such a hard life :P
And..Moby Dick, WHAT
WTF did I just read?!? That is..odd. O_o Thankfully it was just weird on that one page..Melville, were you ok?? It was an interesting book, but I'm glad I finally finished it lol
( a survey about curti! )
9. Describe the kitchen of your childhood: It was..kitcheny?? Haha. It had an island and a bunch of cabinets and stuff..so exciting :P
10. Your first date: I've never really been one one..
11. Do you think it's important to have good manners? Yeah, it's polite and respectful
12. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? My Latin teacher, an English teacher, etc
His face after I said "Curti!" Awwww! He has such a hard life :P
And..Moby Dick, WHAT
WTF did I just read?!? That is..odd. O_o Thankfully it was just weird on that one page..Melville, were you ok?? It was an interesting book, but I'm glad I finally finished it lol
( a survey about curti! )9. Describe the kitchen of your childhood: It was..kitcheny?? Haha. It had an island and a bunch of cabinets and stuff..so exciting :P
10. Your first date: I've never really been one one..
11. Do you think it's important to have good manners? Yeah, it's polite and respectful
12. Who was your favorite teacher in high school? My Latin teacher, an English teacher, etc
The Moonstone Covenant by Jill Hammer + Wednesday Season 2A
Aug. 10th, 2025 05:39 pmprofiterole_readsThe Moonstone Covenant by Jill Hammer was absolutely amazing! Four wives investigate the death of Olloise's parents and end up in the middle of a political plot.
This is my favourite 2025 read so far. It's beautifully written like old-school fantasy, the comparison to Le Guin isn't exaggerated. The worldbuilding is rich (thanks for the map and the appendices!) and the many characters have complex lives. I also enjoyed the "book" theme as one of the wives is a warrior-librarian and another has book magic.
This is established f/f/f/f, which is lovely as all-female polyamory is still rare rep. Minor enbies make an appearance.
----------
Wednesday S2A was a lot of fun! It makes sense as a story arc, so you don't need to wait until September to watch both parts together.
This season focuses on the whole family, not just Wednesday and Thing.
Billie Piper has joined the cast, but has been underused so far. Hopefully, she'll have more to do in S2B.
This is my favourite 2025 read so far. It's beautifully written like old-school fantasy, the comparison to Le Guin isn't exaggerated. The worldbuilding is rich (thanks for the map and the appendices!) and the many characters have complex lives. I also enjoyed the "book" theme as one of the wives is a warrior-librarian and another has book magic.
This is established f/f/f/f, which is lovely as all-female polyamory is still rare rep. Minor enbies make an appearance.
Wednesday S2A was a lot of fun! It makes sense as a story arc, so you don't need to wait until September to watch both parts together.
This season focuses on the whole family, not just Wednesday and Thing.
Billie Piper has joined the cast, but has been underused so far. Hopefully, she'll have more to do in S2B.
The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter
Aug. 10th, 2025 12:42 pmhaebinPlease enjoy the next chapter! And like always, thank you so so much for reading!! ♥
( The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter )
( The Mistress of the Shadowland, Second Book, The next Chapter )
Friday five
Aug. 8th, 2025 04:23 pmglacier_kitty1. Which job on a film crew would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? It might be cool to be an extra, be on camera for a minute or two. Being a set decorator might be fun too..you never know what you can find at thrift stores haha
2. Which job on a hotel staff would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Probably working at the front desk, checking people into their rooms. I'd also be in charge of the curtains LOL, seeing if they need to be washed and opening/closing them at appropriate times..probably not a "real" job, but I'd make it one :P
3. Which job in a hospital would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Probably checking people in as well, and being a Curtain Inspector there too LOL
4. Which job on a cruise ship would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Maybe working at the gift shop, or taking pictures of people/scenery
5. Which job on a fashion magazine would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? A copy editor, finding misspellings and stuff
At work the people I got Curti from stopped in, and they were SO happy when I showed them some pictures of him. They thought it was amusing that he has doglike qualities too lol. They were pleased he's doing well and is in a great home :D
( aug 7-8 )
2. Which job on a hotel staff would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Probably working at the front desk, checking people into their rooms. I'd also be in charge of the curtains LOL, seeing if they need to be washed and opening/closing them at appropriate times..probably not a "real" job, but I'd make it one :P
3. Which job in a hospital would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Probably checking people in as well, and being a Curtain Inspector there too LOL
4. Which job on a cruise ship would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? Maybe working at the gift shop, or taking pictures of people/scenery
5. Which job on a fashion magazine would you most like to do, and which would you be best suited for? A copy editor, finding misspellings and stuff
At work the people I got Curti from stopped in, and they were SO happy when I showed them some pictures of him. They thought it was amusing that he has doglike qualities too lol. They were pleased he's doing well and is in a great home :D
( aug 7-8 )Music With Reindeer and a Friendly Bird!
Aug. 6th, 2025 10:08 pmglacier_kittyToday mom and I went to dinner with Ingrid at Ivory Jacks, out in the Goldstream Valley where my family used to live..I miss that drive, it's so pretty! It feels weird going by the turnoff to my parents' old house. O_o We sat at a table next to the door, and this magpie (I think) flew onto mom's chair! Mom was talking to it and it was cocking its head and surveying the scene. It was so cute! Mom must have some Disney princess in her, because animals love her..one time in London, a pigeon just jumped into her lap and stayed quite awhile there! The waitress eventually shooed it back outside, but it was a cool moment. That's actually the first time I've seen a magpie north of the Alaska Range! Maybe they decided to migrate haha
After that we went down the road to Running Reindeer Ranch, which I'd never even heard of until Ingrid mentioned it the other day (and I lived near there for awhile too!). The family started the ranch in 2007, and it has expanded ever since. They also host Music With Reindeer, where a musical artist comes and performs (Google said that started in 2008! How had I never heard of it until recently??), and the audience gets to sit among the reindeer while listening to the music. You can pet them if they let you (except for the antlers, which are super sensitive. Their fur is so soft!), and they just eat and chill and lay down amongst the people. It was pretty cool! The artist who performed was The Forest That Never Sleeps, who plays multiple instruments and played guitar for us today. I wasn't a huge fan of her music style, but it was alright..she sometimes included the reindeer in her songs too, which was fun lol. Definitely an Alaskan experience. :P Sadly Ingrid has to go back to Tennessee tomorrow, but it was fun getting to hang out with her these past few weeks. Hopefully her dogs will be happy to see her haha
( pics from the day )
5. Your favorite restaurant: Olive Garden, Geraldo's, Starbucks (vanilla bean frappuccinos!!), etc
6. A letter to someone you need to forgive: Ugh, I hate these letter prompt ones lol
After that we went down the road to Running Reindeer Ranch, which I'd never even heard of until Ingrid mentioned it the other day (and I lived near there for awhile too!). The family started the ranch in 2007, and it has expanded ever since. They also host Music With Reindeer, where a musical artist comes and performs (Google said that started in 2008! How had I never heard of it until recently??), and the audience gets to sit among the reindeer while listening to the music. You can pet them if they let you (except for the antlers, which are super sensitive. Their fur is so soft!), and they just eat and chill and lay down amongst the people. It was pretty cool! The artist who performed was The Forest That Never Sleeps, who plays multiple instruments and played guitar for us today. I wasn't a huge fan of her music style, but it was alright..she sometimes included the reindeer in her songs too, which was fun lol. Definitely an Alaskan experience. :P Sadly Ingrid has to go back to Tennessee tomorrow, but it was fun getting to hang out with her these past few weeks. Hopefully her dogs will be happy to see her haha
( pics from the day )5. Your favorite restaurant: Olive Garden, Geraldo's, Starbucks (vanilla bean frappuccinos!!), etc
6. A letter to someone you need to forgive: Ugh, I hate these letter prompt ones lol
